Artist Feature — Ba
What led you to BTS?
Prepare for vulnerability...
On New Year's Eve 2017, I headed out to the bar after eating dinner and spending an evening with a family I tend to share a holiday with. They turned up the TV as they settled in for the night and BTS were performing "DNA" and "Mic Drop". Catching my eyes immediately, I didn't need to know who they were yet to be amazed that a Korean group was performing from LA – for Times Square! I was in full excitement and glee, knowing that right there history was being made (second to PSY, 2012). My mind time-traveled to my teen self loving KPOP (also JRock shout Miyavi, my first love!) and thought how underground it was then, only to see it blow up – even bigger now!
But this was just me remembering a time. I downloaded some songs and would enjoy them, but I was so entrenched with how my life was unfolding – I put the "rabbithole" on the backburner. But "BTS finds you when you need them the most" (a common A.R.M.Y. phrase). As the year progressed, things got incredibly trepidatious. I remember sitting on my best friend's couch and something ominous within me said; "I'm not ready for the change that is happening" with eyes full of worry. That catalyst of words laid out every page of my life the following months and even the months prior, unbeknownst to me. Every piece of the tower falling down. Everything was "the last straw". I had a dog sitting gig many states away from home, prompting me to be alone for a month. I started off afraid to be alone in the state of mind I was in. I thrashed, cried, and drank myself through it until I reveled in it. When I leveled out I started playing the whole BTS MV playlist on Youtube and all the Run episodes.
Finally home – feeling elated by them, but a little bit embarrassed and stressed out that I was again, obsessed with another boy band" (BSB circa 1997). One night I was sitting in my car, staring up at the clear sky around me and stumbling through translated songs on YouTube.
(JK) "The scene during the cold night, I turned back to hide a pitied self"
(JM) "But did I fall so that I could be hit by those countless stars? I'm the only target to the thousands of those radiant arrows"
Answer: Love Myself translated by Jaeguchi YT
Soaking in this song, (I cried xD) I realized that at the same time when I had to be alone ripping through the years of my life and all of my unconscious self hatred. I found my self love and respect, while BTS was closing this song for A.R.M.Y. in a worldwide stadium tour. Radiating the consciousness of self love into the world and I heard it. I was there the whole time.
Who or what sparked your interest in Art?
Escapism. Being an isolated kid. Being estranged in plain sight for 18+ years. If I wasn't drowning out the empty negativity of my "Home's" environment with music and drawing, I'd do anything to get away. Some of my favourite memories of adolescence were growing up at 2 of my artist friends' houses. At one we would put on plays for her parents at a young age and have photography shoots of our endless ideas from little life experiences. Gather our friend group and we would be drawing models for each other. At the other friend's house we would roll out a large scroll of paper at the kitchen table and have complex conversations with her parents. We watched anime, read manga, played video games, invented our own characters and storylines, recorded ourselves making infomercials, phony TV physics and whatever juvenile ideas for the VCR.
I used to cut up all my clothes to make something "unique" eeesh. As I grew into a better sense of measurement and steeped myself in multicultural ideas that improved for a bit hah. Like Hobi, clothing and dance are a passion and something I struggle with greatly because of how tied to identity it is. The most wholesome compliment I've ever gotten: I was once told I was a walking piece of art. "Art” – I can't speak any other way. It is language, it is a language. Art is what we are made of, how our minds find hidden corners. How no ideas or thoughts are original. It's our architects, our carpenters, our mechanics, inventors. Our teachers and therapists. This world and all of its relationships and yet so difficult to wield and write your verse in. I'll be estranged in plain sight, and I am determined to speak clearly if at all.
What are your major Influences?
First I want to say my favourite part of this project is being a part of it at all. but I want to acknowledge/shoutout @magicshoptarot Mara. I took her Tea Time intuitive course and I am happy that I get to apply it to what feels like a promise to myself, to unfold and examine my creativity as I brush the dust off and decalcify.
Words. Thoughts. Communication.
My Grandmother is a major influence to me as of late. I spent 18 years with her and her inability to speak. 28 years of her trapped, locked out of expression. We reflect each other more than I was ever able to realize before I left home. My unspoken relationship with her is far too intricate to give anything all that brief other than spelling words in the air, reading backwards... and boxes of chocolates. But she is a major influence on inner communication. Though I reflected a lot of her outward stifled communication for such a long time, understanding myself in such constant silence and endless misfiring expression, estrangement is like a super power. Imagine being a sun Sagittarius, mostly mute, bound to a wheelchair for 28 years. We shared a loss of words, feeding thoughts and communication unique to us, and strength.
(JM) "Why do you keep wanting to hide inside your mask? Even the scars that were formed from my mistakes are my very own constellations"
Answer: Love Myself translated by Jaeguchi YT
